"Oooaaaaaaaaargh!" booms Wendell Sailor, pointing both index fingers at you like he's just completed a hat-trick and you're the opposition winger. "Tiger Woods couldn't have done that!" Arms out, knees bent, he's bobbing up and down like a kid on a jumping castle, laughing his great nude melon off. It's a performance from the Sailor post-try celebration repertoire and he's giving you a personal show. You'd be honoured if it didn't mean you probably had to give the bastard 20 bucks.

 What in the name of Stuey Ginn? Well, sports junketeers, strap on your golf commentary headsets for a moment and hear, if you will, the understated, plummy tones of golf great Peter Thompson as he talks you through this crux moment in Inside Sport's latest $20 Bet. Colour comments will come from myself, Jack Newton (Paddy Welch is sick) and for something different, former Wallaby Simon Poidevin. Over to you, Mr Thompson…

"Thankyou. Well, here we are at The Glades, on Queensland's Gold Coast for the Inside Sport Skins Golf Challenge. It's the…18th, a 446 metre par 5. And here's… Mr Sailor on the tee. Small degree of tension here, Sailor is ahead 9-5, with 4 Skins carrying over into this final hole. His opponent has driven into the right rough so it will be interesting to see what he pulls from the bag. He's been hitting the 3-iron well, there is water left, so I'd wager… well I never…he's gone for the Driver. Well, let's see what happens…here…and… - Oh! He's unleashed. But…but…it's heading high and left to the swamp! Oh my…oh my…"

"Fuckin' gedddOOOUUUdatherghhh!" implores Wendells. Then, incredibly, insanely, the little white bastard obeys. His ball cannons at right-angles off the swamp-side rocks and careers back into play, coming to rest on the left fringe and opening up the green on the relatively short par-5. I opine something that rhymes with the boxing term, 'Pull duckan' hit!' and resist the urge to bury a 5-iron somewhere in the big Broncos-cum-Reds winger. Wendell's reaction mirrors the Cheshire Cat on his birthday. On acid. "Oooaaaaaaaaargh!" he booms again. "Only very, very special golfers could've pulled that shot off!"

Now, in case you're thinking our Wendell sounds a tad graceless - or, for the uncharitable, a demented hybrid of Zab Judah and Anthony 'Don't Need No Grasshopper, Fool!' Mundine - understand this: If most anyone else was enjoying their own success in such a pork chop-like fashion, a 5-iron up the clacker could well be warranted. But with Wendell, these things are just…him. And he's never had any lack of mates because of it. The post-try theatrics are as much to convince himself he's the baddest hombre around as anyone else. His mates know this. And so, interestingly, for a lair who fancies himself a bit, he's fun to be around, like a big happy kid playing with his toys - in this case a $1400 Callaway Driver.

Right, thanks very much, Sigmund, now piss off back to Psych Ward so we can continue with the golf. Thommo, you were saying…

"Thankyou. Yes…here's …Wendell to shoot first. My, he really was lucky there. And I do believe he's still commenting on his good fortune. Ho ho. Quite extraordinary. And here he is… very good build for a golfer. He rather reminds one of Ernie Els except that - while he's got the Big part right - he's about as Easy as…Britney Spears? Ho ho! He fairly cruels the ball, there's a ferocious wind up like an elastic band and…boom! Now, let's see what he can do…here."

Actually, instead let's cue some inspiring American sports TV music and have a look at a short golf doco. You know the ones, the Yanks actually do them quite well: Tiger winning 'for the ages', a Nicklaus-Palmer-Player three-ball, Augusta's flowers overlaid on Greg Norman's yearning scone. They're a bit drippy so we'll use Jack Newton instead. Here's his take on the first 17 holes…

"Hole One, a par three, was halved after both players missed the green. Both then chipped to within 10 feet and two putted. In a greenside chat, Sailor couldn't (or perhaps wouldn't) name the precise minute of Queensland's Super 12 clash with Wellington when he would smash Jonah Lomu. 'I don't know about smashing him,' said Sailor. 'I just hope to tackle him. I've seen him throw off a lot of blokes. I'll be happy to get hold of one of those big legs and bring him down.' Rugby expert Simon Poidevin interpreted Sailor's comments to mean 'the 63rd minute'".

"Hole Two saw Sailor's second shot burn so many worms before rolling into a fairway bunker. "GedddOOOUUUdatherghhh!" he said. His next, struck purely from the sand, plugged in the greenside trap. "GedddOOOUUUdatherghhh!" he said again. His save air-mailed the green. He then swore. After chipping on he two putted for a triple-bogey seven. His opponent made the par-4 green in regulation, four-putted and earned the first two Skins of the day with a double-bogey six. He also swore. In a greenside chat, Sailor couldn't (or wouldn't) nominate anyone else he was going to smash on the rugby field next year though he did express admiration for New Zealanders Christian Cullen and Tana Umaga. Rugby expert Simon Poidevin interpreted Sailor's comments to mean 'Austin Healey'".

"On the third, a 356m par 4, a bogey was enough to give Sailor his first Skin after the slick Glades' greens forced his opponent to again four-putt. And swear. In a greenside chat, when asked if he would be offended if Austin Healey called him a 'plank' Sailor asked: 'What exactly is a 'plank'?" When told it was the same as a 'plod' Sailor said: 'Well there you go, see, I don't pretend to be educated in rugby speak. But Austin Healey's got a big gob, obviously, and if he said anything to me I'd probably like to punch him in the mouth.' Rugby expert Simon Poidevin interpreted Sailor's comments as a memo to Austin Healey to never under any circumstances call Sailor an 'ape'. He then added 'Top column you little prat'".

"Over holes 4-17 Sailor took most of the honours with a consistent display of power hitting, highlighted by his drive onto the green on the 327m par-4 16th. Even with the wind at his back it was a prodigious blow. 'Who belongs to that ball on the green?' he asked, knowing. After he three-putted there was some rejoicing from his opponent, especially after the hole was halved courtesy of a twenty-foot downhill par putt that was a bigger fluke than a twenty foot liver fluke. The 17th was also halved and with a hole to play there was some small degree of pressure. Asked how he dealt with pressure, Sailor smiled: "Pressure? Mate, I eat it. It's like when the NSW fans are singing 'Wendell's a wanker'. I eat it up.' And so, with a chance for Inside Sport to test this bravado - and save the lobster - we go back to you in the central commentary position…"

Thanks Jack, but let's spare everyone the angst. Wendell launched his 3-iron close by the 18th green then got up-and-down for a birdie 4. I sliced my 5-wood to bejeezus, chipped on, three-putted, and swore. Wendell accepted the twenty clams with his customary good humour and we retired to the 19th. Then, under a blue sky over cold stubbies we talked about horse heads at The Melbourne Cup, open cheque shopping raids at Nike Shop, and the Darren Lockyer in Bali monkey story, in itself worth the lobster, not least for the fact it ceased Wendell's victory celebrations - at least momentarily. Oooaaaaaaaaargh!

Thanks to the Glades GC on the Gold Coast, in particular Greg Norman for designing it, Ian Baker-Finch for owning it, and Matt Hempel for letting us play on it. It was a fair dinkum truly awesome days golf. Salivate at www.glades.com.au or call (07) 5569 2222.